“To All Divorcing Parents
Your children have come into this world because of the two of you. Perhaps you two made lousy choices as to whom you decided to be the other parent. If so, that is your problem and your fault. No matter what you think of the other party-or what your family thinks of the other party-these children are one-half of each of you.”
When I read this quote by a Family Court Judge I was struck by how strongly I reacted: not only should this be mandatory reading for every divorcing parent, I thought, but there should be steps in place to enforce it somehow! Of course, I know that’s not possible, but I feel it should be! Here’s the rest of the quote:
“Remember that, because every time you tell your child what an ‘idiot’ his father is or what a ‘fool’ his mother is, or how bad the absent parent is, or what terrible things that person has done, you are telling the child half of him is bad. That is an unforgivable thing to do to a child. That is not love. That is possession. If you do that to your children, you will destroy them as surely as if you had cut them into pieces, because that is what you are doing to their emotions.
I sincerely hope that you do not do that to your children. Think more about your children and less about yourselves, and make yours a selfless kind of love, not foolish or selfish, or your children will suffer.”
Judge Michael Haas – Family Court Judge, Minnesota, USA
I myself am a product of divorced parents, and also what you would call a ‘multiple divorcees’ while raising a child. I know first-hand how painful it is – to be in either position. The loneliness, confusion, and anxiety of being a child feels torn between your parents, and the anguish and stress of dealing with all the complexities of divorce that parents experience cannot be described as anything but awful. It is easy to see why parents can sometimes fail to notice how deeply the children are affected by the changes going on in their world and the adjustments they have to make.
My own experiences played a significant role in my choice to become a counselor and advocate for children of divorce. For the last two decades, a large part of my practice time has been spent helping divorcing parents create more conscious and mindful transitions for their children, and in many cases helping them develop collaborative, shared parenting that has resulted in their children becoming well-adjusted adults who have a good relationship with both parents. This is, as you may imagine, not easy but is nonetheless doable and with the right support can even be relatively stress-free!
At the beginning of a family break-up, it can be difficult to know what exactly will cause the least amount of damage to the children. Certainly, there are many different beliefs and schools of thought about this, and ultimately in most cases, the parents are the people best equipped to know their child’s needs – as long as they are not so caught up in their own emotions and agendas that their judgment becomes clouded. Unfortunately, this is all too often the case.
The good news is that there are a few basic considerations and some self-questioning that can greatly help parents gain clarity and increase their ability to ‘do the right thing’ for their children.
CONSIDERING HIDING WHAT YOU FEEL?
As parents, we want to protect our children, and we may believe we are covering up our own pain and distress and that our children are not aware of how we feel. We may also assume that because a child is not acting out any angst or upset they are handling the situation well. But neither of these assumptions are reliable. For a variety of reasons – depending on their age, stage, temperament, and family dynamics – children will hold their distressing feelings inside. One young six-year-old I worked with had convinced his parents that he wasn’t bothered by their divorce for over two years. Finally, he developed nightmares so frequently that his mother sought help. The young lad told me with a proud smile; “I have lots of bad feelings but nobody knows, ‘cos I keep them all inside me! You see I don’t want my mamma to feel worse.” Needless to say, the focus of my sessions with him became helping him to find and accept ways to express his emotions. Like many children in the same situation, he had adopted an emotional care-taking role for the parent he felt was suffering, and so he kept his own feelings under wraps to protect that parent from further distress. Interestingly, his mother believed she had successfully hidden her distress from her son. Younger children also often feel responsible for the family break-up even though nothing has been said or done to make them believe such a thing. One seven-year-old girl with parents divorcing told me she knew that if she was “a really good girl,” her mother would “let daddy come back.” A four-year-old brother threw temper tantrums every other night because he knew that when he screamed for long enough his mother would phone his father and ask him to come over to calm him down. Both children were acutely aware of their father’s sadness (even though dad assured me he had kept it well hidden and they couldn’t possibly know), and both children believed they could bring their parents back together. All children feel their parents’ emotional state; whether the parent shows it or not, and will act according to what they feel rather than what they are told (or not, as the case may be).
This last fact I know not only because both research and counseling experience has informed me, but because I remember vividly what it felt like to ‘know’ my mother’s distress when she told me she was fine; to ‘know’ my parents’ marriage was a charade when they pretended otherwise, and to be told my feelings were wrong when I felt them so clearly. The result was that I began to doubt my own internal ‘knowing’ or intuition, and when I later discovered that these feelings had been right, I became a very angry young person indeed. Years of therapy later, I have since worked with hundreds of people who have similar stories about their childhoods, and children in the midst of comparable situations.
One of the most important ways parents can help their children to feel safe and be resilient in the midst of a family break up is to be congruent; i.e. that what you say and do is congruent with what you feel and what is going on around your children. For example: if you are upset, at the very least do not deny it. If you can tell them you are not feeling very happy right now, this may be followed by something like; “I don’t really want to feel upset right now so I’m going to try to make myself feel better.” Then do whatever is appropriate at the moment – whether it’s going for a run or making a cup of tea – so that your child can witness how you may effectively deal with your emotions and that you can take charge of the way you feel. If he or she also feels upset, you might suggest that you sit down together and talk about the feelings, and then figure out what you could do to make yourselves feel better. Most adverse situations can also be great opportunities for learning and building resilience.
I am of course not advocating for parents to share inappropriate and ‘adult’ information with their children. Nor am I suggesting parents confide in or otherwise share their sorrows with children. What I am suggesting is that when you feel upset, and especially when children’s questions indicate that they feel something is not right, you do not deny those feelings. Let them know their feelings are valid, and that there are ways to express and even shift negative emotions, appropriately.
if you are in open conflict with your children’s other parent, any resulting damage to your children can be mitigated when you can manage your emotions and the degree to which your discord escalates, particularly when the children are nearby. Regardless of the level of your disagreement, children must be reassured that they are not to blame, and if they do witness conflict, that they also witness their parents settling the arguments, even if you merely agree to disagree.
Children are not equipped to deal with their parents conflicting, and certainly not to witness or handle when parents are abusive towards each other. Whatever their age, children are frightened by conflict, as much after divorce as before, and the fear they feel when witnessing fighting, arguing, hostility, withdrawal, or disharmony between parents is very real and can be very harmful. One of the ways this can manifest is that children learn to be aggressive and manipulative by watching their parent’s hostility. They can easily develop poor problem-solving skills and negative or disruptive behaviors, all of which may be avoided if the parents are mindful of their influence on their children and learn to manage their own emotion-driven actions.
I want to emphasize here the point made by Judge Haas in my opening quote: that no matter what you think of your children’s other parent, that person is ‘the other half of your children and when you speak badly of him or her, you are effectively telling your children that half of them is bad.’ It is worth noting that studies have shown that the conflict between parents can be more damaging to the children than the divorce itself.
CONSIDERING THAT PARENTS ARE FOREVER!
Regardless of how badly your marriage or relationship ends, it is not the end of being a parent. It may seem unbelievable at that point but an unsuccessful marriage does not need to mean an unsuccessful co-parenting relationship.
The best interests of children are met when parents can work together to carry out the responsibilities of raising them. Although it may seem daunting at first, collaborative and shared parenting can allow for the responsibility to be shared without over-burdening one parent (as so often occurs with sole custody). Parenting is a privilege as well as a responsibility and children need a relationship with both of their parents – they deserve to have their parents make the effort to collaborate and ensure that this vital need is met. It may be helpful to remember that parents have different skills, roles, and assets that are important to their children, and making the effort to collaboratively co-parent allows you to combine these to more fully and completely meet their children’s diverse needs.
If, however, collaborative parenting is impossible for whatever reason, supporting your children to maintain a consistent relationship with their other parent as well as refraining from dropping negative comments or otherwise speaking negatively about him or her (no matter how tempting it may be), will ensure your child experiences the family break-up with less long-term stress or trauma. If all of this seems overwhelming, it can be most helpful to ‘bring it home’: bring your attention and focus back to yourself, where you actually have some control!
BRINGING IT HOME!
1. Whenever you feel overwhelmed or any other disagreeable feeling, take the time to release the emotion, either physically if you can (run, jump, walk fast, etc.) or by writing in a journal, even screaming into a pillow can help. Then follow that immediately by spending a few minutes slowing down your breathing and lengthening the out-breath, preferably while placing one hand gently on your chest. Notice anywhere you are holding tension (i.e. shoulders) and let it go.
2. Start each morning by focusing on the love you feel for your child or children, and on all that you can appreciate about them and about being their parent. Allow yourself to breathe slowly and feel the feeling of love and appreciation, really feel it!
3. Choose one ‘Parenting In Stress’ behavior you may be doing from the list below, and commit to exchanging it for a better, kinder, more appropriate behavior.
2. Being defensive
3. Reacting from DIS-stress or DIS-ease
6. Fixing and Rescuing
7. Guilt (either acting from guilt or laying guilt on)
9. Cramming morals
10. Trying to make control look like it’s “for their own good!”
11. Withdrawing love or attention (passive-aggressive)
12. Confusing behavior with identity
Check in with yourself and the list at the end of every week, and re-commit to your new and more positive parenting behavior.
Divorce or the break-up of a relationship is never easy, especially when children are involved. But increasing your awareness of your and your children’s emotional reality, honoring those emotions, and taking steps to better manage them, can all go a long way to improving the experience and making it, if not completely stress-free, at least considerably less stressful!
Jennifer Day is the author/co-author of 6 books for parents and has been counseling and coaching parents through divorce for two decades. She recently designed and launched FOREVER PARENTS, an online course for divorcing parents who are considering or have decided to share parenting. The course includes one-on-one coaching with Jennifer herself in a secure online space, as well as six audios and simple, practical written materials for download to apply immediately. For more information go to http://www.AppliedEmotionalMastery.com